The Resolution

"Splendor and majesty are before him, strength and glory are in his sanctuary." 

Something about beginnings always get me and I tend to approach them with anticipation, hope and lots of gusto! The first of anything is a reason to celebrate in my book and the first of each year is no exception. Each year January 1st arrives with a list of resolutions holding the allure that if completed, the year will be different.

This year, January 1st rolled around... then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and so on, and as I watched each day roll by, I continuously put off setting my resolutions. Just because they weren't set, doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about them. I was definitely looking forward to 2013 and the newness it would bring. It's just as much as I love a first, I dislike a disappointment. Last year in particular, I had some heavy life moments...and I guess I had so much hope for the new year, I didn't want to set myself up for any disappointment that I didn't feel like facing. Not exactly "living in victory" but hey, that's reality!

In my life, pen to paper is when it really happens. I let thoughts roll around for a while, I think of different scenarios, but pen to paper is the commitment. Silly I know, but I almost feel that once you write it, it's out there for the world and you to see. Can anyone relate? So, I did some heart searching before I put pen to paper. What is it I really want? And there was only one answer, I want more of God. In every way, not just more reading and praying but more experiencing, more dwelling, more of him changing me. And not more of God in a way that I could take credit for, not more works, not more checks on my list. More of Him. 

I realized that I not only want more of Him, I really need more of Him. His heart and kindness, his love and grace. His perspective on what's important, his perspective on me. His gently correction and his bold courage. I need him. All other things fall under that one truth.

After several weeks of thought, I woke up one morning, made my way to the couch, opened my journal and put pen to paper, "this year, I want to grow with God." Sounds common, but after much thought it was my deepest truth, my resolution. It all boiled down to not just my desire for him, but my need for him. And it was freeing because it was something that I couldn't mess up with my actions, times a week to the gym, or waking up early for quiet time. I made a resolution that was less about me and more about Him. I decided to grow with him and learn from him, put him even more in the place that he deserves in my life. Somewhere inside I let go of my time line, agenda, and priorities and ask him to take the lead in these areas. And for a girl like me... that was tough! But I was so ready.

I didn't list any specifics on how, no mention of the number of times a week I go to church, no amount of books I will read, or time amount I will spend each day with him. Just a simple, I want more of you, and a soft cry of show me how. Show me when.


Because perfectly meeting a list of requirements, set by yourself or others, is never easy. And at some point we all need a little grace, a little strength, and what I am coming to learn is that even though I love my resolutions, goals and check lists, I can never be perfect. But that's okay with me when my ultimate goal is to serve a God who looks on me with the deepest of love and affection. He knows my weakness, forgives me and strengthens and helps me through this life.

I came across this verse a couple of days ago and my heart welled up inside of me.

"Splendor and majesty are before him, strength and glory are in his sanctuary."Psalm 96:6

"Splendor and majesty are before him..." sometimes it does me good to remember that God is a King and that I am a child of his. I can't think of a time I have used these words to describe a human, and I would say that not many (if any) of us has, but these are God's adjectives. He is truly majestic, glorious, overwhelmingly wonderful. And He is our King. I read these words and I can't believe that this King knows and loves me. That he sent his son, so that I could talk with him and spend time with Him. It's beyond me.

And I love how it goes on to say "strength and glory are in his sanctuary." God knows that this life has hardships and more than anything we need Him and His strength. It's hard to get to that place of knowing our need for Him, and staying there. Because right when we feel like "we got this" on our own, the harsh reality hits that no... no we don't. What strength and peace come from God. We gain strength in God's presence. Not strength of our own, but strength from the confidence of knowing what a great God we serve.

After my initial pen to paper moments, did I write some other resolutions and goals for this year? Sure. I have goals and high hopes for this year, but the difference is I am not relying on myself to achieve anything. But my one goal remains the same. More of him. When I involve him in each area of my life I find peace and strength. I find help being healthy, making better decisions and even getting to the gym. I need his discipline and plan for each day. I find he knows what to start on first at work, he can give me wisdom and the right words to say. I find He has a way of putting it in perspective. That the laundry can wait. That the conversation, the person, and the relationship is more important.

The pressure is off of me as I rely fully on Him. I want to grow with God, but I guess more than anything, I want to be with Him more, rely on Him more, trust him more, and let him lead me and change me, every day. Because the more I live, the more blatantly obvious my absolute need for Him becomes.

Numbers 6: 24-26 "May the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace" in this new year and always. And may he give me the grace to and discipline to sit down and blog more often, because I have missed you all! :)